It was an altogether odd night.
tom
It started when Phillip arrived, already half cut. My wife shot a glance at me which I interpreted, correctly as I later found out, to mean “Why did you invite him you fucking idiot?” I tried to convey silently that I hadn’t invited him and he must have heard about it from someone else in the village, but which she interpreted to mean “Yes, I am a fucking idiot.”
It was after 9 and our party was already in full swing, or at least the fullest swing a middle class soiree will achieve.
“Tony old boy!” He shouted across the room. The general murmur of conversation dipped as heads turned and I quickly moved to intercept him.
“I brought you this.” He held out half a bottle of scotch.
“Great, thanks Phillip, how have you been since, well…” I trailed off.
“Brilliant! I’ve never been better.” He said automatically, eyes scanning the scene.
“Great, good, can I get you a drink? We’ve got water, non-alcoholic beer…” I started hopefully.
“A scotch would be great if you have any.” He delivered with his gazed fixed, swaying slightly.
I nodded, fetched him a glass and returned to find him still staring across the room.
“I suspect Angela has been talking about me.” He blurted, looking at his ex-wife.
“Ah, well no, not…” He cut me off.
“I suspect she’s been talking non-stop about it.”
“I’m sorry, about what?”
“My penis!” He hissed like an exasperated teacher explaining something to a particularly slow child.
I paused. “Why would she be talking about your… you know…?”
He looked at me, uncomprehending, before a slow sneer spread across his face.
“Oh I see, you’ve all been talking about it have you? That’s probably why you got this whole party together isn’t it? A chance to get together and really lay into my member. Don’t lie to me Tony, I can see straight through you.” He downed his drink in one. “Some friends you are, I’ll show you!”
Before I could respond he turned and climbed up onto the sofa, and then the arm and stood there unsteadily for a while. Conversation in the room tapered off as people noticed and turned around expectantly. My wife looked at me in horror. I looked in horror at his dirty shoes on our cream sofa.
“Now I’ve got your attention haven’t I?” He admonished the room. “I bet you all thought that I wouldn’t know about it! I bet you thought old Phillip wouldn’t know what you have all been talking about!” Spittle flew from his mouth and the room watched him awkwardly.
“Well, if you’re all so interested in it, then you might as well get a good look!”
Before I could stop him he had pulled down his trousers, revealing himself to the room.
“Oh blimey!” A voice cried out “It’s even smaller than Angela said!”